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Author Topic: "Laughter Makes The World Go Round"  (Read 173168 times)
myoldyourgold
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« Reply #475 on: March 29, 2014, 06:01:50 AM »

For those who don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.  They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.  The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.  These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.  Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.  This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.  They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.  They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.  Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood,and group therapists are liberals.  Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.  Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Coors, Bud or Miller.  They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,    engineers, corporate executives,  athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.  They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to  angrily respond to the above.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history.

For you Liberals and Conservatives this is a JOKE!! 
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"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb."

ONE Liter per minute per 10 amps which just isn't possible Ha Ha
alvittos
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« Reply #476 on: August 06, 2014, 02:24:29 AM »

Subject: Medical Checkup . . .

 As some of you know I was diagnosed with prostate cancer several years ago
and after experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate exam
at the hands of our local doctor, I decided to have my next exam carried out
while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are more gentle
and accommodating.

As I laid naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite  normal to get an
erection," said the nurse.  "I haven't got an erection," I said.

"No, but I have." replied the nurse.
Moral:  Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco!
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myoldyourgold
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« Reply #477 on: August 09, 2014, 06:34:36 PM »

     Technology Problem for OLD Folks!
     (A Senior, Older Person, TRYING to set a Password?)
     
     WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
     
     USER: cabbage
     
     WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
     
     USER: boiled cabbage
     
     WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
     
     USER: 1 boiled cabbage
     
     WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
     
     USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
     
     WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
     
     USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
     
     WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
     
     USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
     
     WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
     
     USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA!!IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
     
     WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb."

ONE Liter per minute per 10 amps which just isn't possible Ha Ha
myoldyourgold
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« Reply #478 on: August 13, 2014, 06:31:42 PM »

We've all had trouble with our animals,

however I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.

No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always

get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason

yet lied anyway because the truth was just too

humiliating.  I simply mentioned that I had

sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would

feel up to coming in the next day.  By then, I

reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain

the bandage on the top of my head.  The

accident occurred mainly because I had given

in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

 

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after

breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to

me from the kitchen.

"Honey!  The garbage disposal is dead again.

Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested

through the shower pitter-patter and steam.

"Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted.  "What if it starts

going and sucks me in?"  There was a meaningful

pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a

second."


So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked,

hoping that my silent outraged nudity would

make a statement about how I perceived her

behaviour as extremely cowardly.


Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my

head under the sink to find the button.  It is the

last action I remember performing.  It struck

without warning, and without any respect to my

circumstances.  No, it wasn't the hexed disposal,

drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.  It was

our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating

dangling objects she spied hanging between my

legs.

 

She had been poised around the corner and

stalked me as I reached under the sink.  And, at

the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,

she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and

snagged them with her needle-like claws.  I lost

all rational thought to control orderly bodily

movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of

speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging

from my masculine region.


Wild animals are sometimes faced with a

"fight or flight" syndrome.  Men, in this

predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience.  I was fleeing

straight up into the air when the sink and

cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my

ascent.  The impact knocked me out cold.


When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics

stood over me.


Now there are not many things in this life worse

than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor

buck naked in front of a group of "been-there,

done-that" paramedics.  Even worse, having

been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics

were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct

their work, all the while trying to suppress their

hysterical laughter . . . and not succeeding.


Somehow I lived through it all.  A few days later

I finally made it back in to the office, where

colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of

me about my head injury.  I kept silent, claiming

it was too painful to talk about, which it was.


"What's the matter" they all asked, "cat got your

tongue?"



If they only knew!

 
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"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb."

ONE Liter per minute per 10 amps which just isn't possible Ha Ha
myoldyourgold
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« Reply #479 on: August 15, 2014, 03:36:21 PM »


    Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week
    Vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
     
    Suddenly, over the public address system,the Captain announces,
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
    Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
    Landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and
    We should be able to land on the beach. However,the odds are that we
    May never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of
    our lives!" 
     
    Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
    An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
    "Esther, did we pay our Visa and Master Card bill yet?" 
     
    "No, sweetheart," she responds.
    Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther,
    did we pay our American Express card yet?"
    "Oh, no!, I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
     
    "One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the installment
    Check to the IRS this month?" he asks.
    "Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther.
    "I didn't send that one, either." 
     
    Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
    Esther  pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" 
     
    Abe answers, "They'll find us!" 
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"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb."

ONE Liter per minute per 10 amps which just isn't possible Ha Ha
myoldyourgold
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« Reply #480 on: October 05, 2014, 05:32:29 AM »

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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myoldyourgold
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« Reply #481 on: May 24, 2015, 09:26:22 AM »

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her
family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours
of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores
in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the
best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk
is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about
milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and
several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.
A large man got out, knocked on her door and said,
"Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your
entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even
though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.
True Story!!

« Last Edit: May 24, 2015, 09:28:28 AM by myoldyourgold » Logged

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myoldyourgold
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« Reply #482 on: October 15, 2015, 01:27:16 PM »


People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill...
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myoldyourgold
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« Reply #483 on: October 15, 2015, 06:32:20 PM »

MY NEW PROFILE


1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice. 
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off. 
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work. 
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." 
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of chocolate is just too terrible to think about. 
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound. 
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.  (Payback for not writing it down !!!!! )
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myoldyourgold
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« Reply #484 on: November 15, 2015, 06:56:40 AM »


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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ONE Liter per minute per 10 amps which just isn't possible Ha Ha
myoldyourgold
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« Reply #485 on: April 16, 2016, 08:57:58 AM »

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)


A cockroach will live nine days without its   head before it starves to death.(Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

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PDJ
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« Reply #486 on: April 20, 2016, 01:41:31 AM »

........  Grin

When I grow up, I want to be a Pig..........

 Grin Grin Grin Grin
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myoldyourgold
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« Reply #487 on: April 24, 2016, 03:40:31 PM »

A boy came home and announced to his father that he was dating their neighbor across the street.  Dad said "You can't do that. I need to inform you that she is your sister." Boy came home a week later and reported that he was friendly with the girl two housed down  on the right.  Dad said "I need to tell you that she is your sister too." Some time later the boy told his dad that he was seeing the girl in the house to their left.  Dad said "Sorry, she is your sister too." Frustrated the boy went to his mother and exclaimed "Who can I date? Dad says they are all my sisters!" Mother said calmly, "Date whoever you want.  He is not your father."
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ONE Liter per minute per 10 amps which just isn't possible Ha Ha
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